Something words can't describe..

I knew that it's gonna be hard. I've prepared myself mentally to face this thing. I have told myself that everything is gonna be alright. This is temporary, you have been through this before. You can do it again! As much as I told myself that I am strong, it is as much as my heart hurts. Really hurts. It comes to a point where I can't even cry because I was so sad that I can't feel my emotions anymore. Words can't describe how it feels like at that moment.

I woke up yesterday morning feeling like my world was unreal. It is called derealization in medical term. I felt so empty and did not know what should I do. I looked around my room and can't help but feeling absolutely nothing inside. I looked at the skype and I could see that my husband was still on the call with me, but I could not see any video due to slow internet connection. It was so sad because I could hear the sound of the wind from the fan in his room and I could hear him moving around during his sleep but I could not physically being there with him. At this point of time, I started to feel back some emotion. Tears straight away rolled down on my cheek. I could feel something now, real sadness.. I just cried and cried.. Until I fell back to sleep..

That night before I woke up, I have been dreaming about him. He carried me at his back and we went for a walk together in a nice shaddy area with lots of tree around it. What a nice dream.. It feels so real that I could feel his skin rubbing against my skin.. But when I woke up and suddenly realized he was not there next to me, it was so heartbreaking. I closed my eyes and took a slow deep breath.. I just want a warm cuddle from him.. ;( How I miss the moment when I woke up in the middle of the night and he was next to me.. I miss my big cozy warm pillow :(

I have been crying the whole day yesterday and now developed eyebags under my eyes.. Lost some appetite. Lost my motivation and courage. It takes me so much effort even to smile.. I just hope that this feeling won't last long.. I need to move on.. And only to Allah, I pray and I believe..